The awakening continues

Its amazing how much sharper your senses and perceptions become once you have been whacked out of your apathy and stupor. Things seem clearer and more focused than before, most importantly you start to realise who your friends really are.

Having suffered the traumatic loss of my father a few months back. I have had to deal with an overkill of emotions and thoughts. I have gone through highs and lows as I have struggled to make sense of it and my own feelings about everything. I have had to be an emotional support to my mother to keep her going. She's coming right - but still has episodes where she doubts her own abilities. It can be so frustrating to see her overwhelmed and in tears over something that I would term simple - all because my Dad took away her confidence in her own abilities. I know on one level that he didn't mean to - his depression had such a vice-like grip on him, that he lost all sense of rational thought and comprehension of the effect of his actions on others. Its rather like throwing a stone into a pond and watching the ripples as they fan out, they continue to get bigger as they move farther away. That is what happened here.

His death has forced me to confront my own emotional immaturity and apathy head-on, and to be honest, I didn't like what I found. I was not a nice person to know - yes, hard to admit, but I wasn't!!

Now, finally I feel that if I was walking down the street and saw myself, I reckon I could be friends with myself. For me, this was a watershed moment - one which has changed me profoundly. I used to look to others for validation and acceptance - now I don't give a damn. If you don't like me - you don't like me. I am not out to win any popularity contests. It doesn't mean that I am turning into the bitch from hell, no sir that's not my style, but I am confronting my past and getting rid of the friends and emotional baggage that have weighed me down for so long.

Work wise, well I have taken a bold step - its not a popular one I can tell you, but I thought I had nothing to lose and went for broke. I don't think the boss likes my new found confidence and independence, but I don't care!! I need to live for me not for anyone else. I have to be the best I can be for me. This might sound selfish but I reckon that if I am a better person, it might have a knock-on effect on others around me, then again, it might not - but at least I have tried!

So now as my eyes open and I walk towards the light, be prepared - its gonna be an interesting ride.