Shot Down in Flames

Feeling really quite numb actually. So this will be a venting session

As usual its work related. Thought I had done something really good today in promoting the farm to an overseas contact. I obviously mistakenly thought that by doing that the boss would be pleased that I showed some initiative and that I didn’t just answer the phone and do the typing – the box I’ve been battling to get out of for years. K was the only one who ever encouraged me to look out of the box and beyond. Sadly my enthusiasm was once again “curbed” when I was snippily reminded that I have to pass everything through the Personal Assistant, and that I wasn’t to attempt "too much". In other words – don’t step out the box, don’t show any enthusiasm and in other words just stay as you are – the stupid one who answers the phone and does the typing, and gets paid the lousy salary for doing most of the work.

My enthusiasm has gone down as fast as a German fighter in the Battle of Britain and it now sits at nil. Result: Work 1 Me 0. The battle to keep my tounge continues...

I wonder why some people take such persistent delight in breaking people down. Perhaps they had lousy childhoods with little praise and love - whatever it is it really stinks that they cannot even be grateful when you are doing something well, but yet when you make a small mistake Oh Boy do you hear about it forever!! These days it seems that praise is so rarely given, and if it is it is always with a “but you should’ve done that” or " that is nice, but you really shouldnt have used that wording" - the list goes onl, this is just in case you feel too good about yourself. God forbid one should feel good about your work and your achievements.

Fortunately I am learning fast not to care too much. I realised early on that if I took to heart everything that the boss said that I would be in an institution by now and on heavy doses of Prozac. So I move on – older, wiser but sadly a bit more seared. That "burning" desire to help promote the company is gone and in its place is a drained, cynical worker. Just there to do a job nothing else....